Taking a Look Back and Taking Responsibility

I’m sure there are things that every woman who is pregnant for the first time worries about from her past. In this case, there are a few things between my mother and I that have needed to be discussed and put behind us a long time ago.

Unfortunately, my mother’s reaction was to try and put me on a guilt trip, deflect everything I brought up and lie about not remembering me bringing up a trauma to her and her telling me to just put it behind me at age seventeen, eighteen.

It ended in her telling me (her newly pregnant first child) that she wouldn’t be anywhere around and that she would mail me the pregnancy journal that she ordered for me. She lives twenty minutes away. Now I’ll just be waiting another couple weeks before I can journal along with the baby’s brand-new growth because of her pettiness, IF she’s even actually mailing it at all.

What a start to my baby’s life. Well, your grandmother and I don’t get along because she denies my sexual assault as a young girl and then put me at arm’s length rather than talk about it. Then continued to send me harassing messages, poking at me more, telling me that I don’t deserve an apology “because I’d just use it against her” and then telling me to “Have a nice day” with a smiley face emoticon at the end.

All this started after I contacted my sister (2nd out of my mother’s 4 children) to ask her if she wanted to spend some time together while my boyfriend was in class. She told me no, that she, our mother and the other two girls were going to dinner. As usual, I got no invitation and MD (Mommy Dearest) still hadn’t given me the gas money she promised me for moving a bunch of furniture in my truck for another one of my sisters. So I sent her a message, told her that it really hurt my feelings that I hear about her and my sisters getting out and doing things all the time from my sisters, not from her and that somehow, I don’t seem to ever garner an invitation. The only time I get included is when MD needs my assistance with something or connections through me to get something that she wants. Then I get pushed out of her inner circle again.

If that’s the only way that she can be, especially in a situation like this, then I don’t need her poisoning my mind and heart. I’ve only been yearning for a relationship with her my whole life and if her only response is to keep stabbing me in the heart, I don’t need her in my child’s life either.

I sat and talked with another of my sisters and she told me a little bit about the five year plan that she’s been working on. I definitely took that idea to heart because I know where I’d like to end up in five years, I just need to plan and do really good about the in-between time. Let’s just say for now that Baby agrees with me and we both like the thought of somewhere warm. It’s on. Time to get started on some classes. Wish me good luck and godspeed, I’m growing Luckier and smarter every day. On my way to earning being wise.

Time to Grow Up

I found out a few days ago that I’m pregnant ¬†and I’ve decided to keep the baby. However, this means that it’s time to grow up a little bit for me.

Fortunately in one way, I’m not working right now, so I have more time to focus on myself, reading up and trying not to stress myself out.

Also fortunately for me, my boyfriend has taken a healthy interest in making sure that I’m getting enough to eat and in the right spread, nutritionally. I love him to death and thank goodness that he’s being so helpful.

So far my goals for becoming a healthier mommy-to-be include:

Staying better hydrated, keeping sugar out of my diet and doing kegels so that my uterus doesn’t fall out down the line.